


fill my head with pieces (of the song i can't get out)

by sheesusnat



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Domesticity, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Missed signals, Pining, Polyamory, not-well-disguised-attempts at wooing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:35:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29138658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheesusnat/pseuds/sheesusnat
Summary: Alex Wennberg has spent his career on a team with his best friend and roommate, William Karlsson, but thanks to the 2017 NHL Expansion Draft, Will is now in Las Vegas, and Alex is left alone in Columbus, floundering. He thinks that he's playing it off well, but his teammates have noticed.Two of them have, anyway.Boone Jenner and Ryan Murray invite him into their home and their life, and now Alex doesn't feel lonely anymore. At least not in the exact same way.
Relationships: Alexander Wennberg/Boone Jenner/Ryan Murray, Boone Jenner/Ryan Murray
Comments: 32
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work ranges in dates from the 2017 NHL Exhibition draft through to the end of the 2018-2019 NHL season. Obviously we're a little past-date on this, given that only one player still remains with Columbus, but I started writing this in March of last year and it was still valid then!

He would never admit it to anyone else, but Alex knows that if he's honest with himself, the way he spends the first couple of months of the 2017-2018 NHL season can easily be called 'moping.' It's not as if he didn't have time to prepare for Will being gone; he's known since the expansion draft and he suspected it before that. It's not as if he hasn't played on teams without him before. But Will is his best friend, had been his roommate for a while. It's just a change that he's still getting used to.

He loves his other teammates too, of course. He's closer with some than others, but it's a close-knit room and he goes out to lunches and dinners, he tags along to comedy shows and concerts. Josh includes him on inside jokes and Seth invites him over to watch football on Sundays. He rarely spends a night at home alone, so he isn't lonely, necessarily. Will just knew him differently. They both grew up in the suburbs of Stockholm; they have the same friends, the same taste in music. They both miss lingonberries, _kanelbullar_ and Swedish candy.

It isn't the end of the world that Will is gone, but it doesn't mean Alex isn't disappointed and feeling a little bit unmoored. He still talks with Will on most days, keeping him up to date on what's happening with their mutual friends on the team and giving his opinion on the furniture Will is buying to fill his Vegas apartment. It just isn't the same when they're a thousand miles away from each other.

He's pretty sure he's been doing a good job of hiding how much it bothers him, though, at least until the end of practice one afternoon a couple of months into the season.

"Vill dig komma hem med oss?" Ryan's voice, however soft and gentle, startles Alex, who had been lost in his thoughts. He lets out a soft chuckle when Alex swings around to face him. 

Ryan's Swedish is only passable at best, and his pronunciation is miserable, but Alex is still touched by the gesture. He knows Ryan also misses Will, even if they weren't close in the same way that Will and Alex were. "You don't have to speak Swedish for me," Alex assures him. 

"I haven't practiced it much since Will left. I was getting rusty." Ryan shrugs, just the hint of a smile playing on his lips. "Besides, I thought you might miss hearing it."

Alex has to admit that he's right about that.

"'Vill _du_ komma hem med oss,' then. Both 'dig' and 'du' mean you, but it's 'du' here." Ryan nods as if he's filing away the information, and Alex knows him well enough to know that he probably is. He was always a pretty good student when he and Will tried to teach him something in Swedish. Alex pulls his jacket on and grabs his keys. "And yeah, I can come over for a while." 

"Go grab your guitar, eh? I've gotta wait until Boone's done with media and getting changed. We'll order a pizza and watch something on Netflix."

Alex raises a fist to bump into Ryan's and then heads out. It might be good to sit around with Ryan and Boone. They're not an overly affectionate couple, nothing to make anyone uncomfortable, and he likes them both. It feels a little bit like they feel bad for him and his obvious loneliness, but right now Alex will take it.

Ryan and Boone get home before he arrives, and Boone opens the door already dressed down to mesh shorts and a hoodie. He gives Alex a one-armed hug, even though they only just saw each other at the arena an hour before. "Ryan's trying to order some monstrosity pizza with artichokes on it, go tell him that's a terrible idea."

"Hey, artichokes might not be bad," Alex argues, hauling his guitar case inside. "What else is on it?" 

Boone groans from the doorway but Ryan answers anyway, ignoring him. "It has spinach, feta, and sundried tomatoes too."

"That's a _salad_ ," Boone mutters. "Not a pizza." 

"Boone is boring as fuck, he'd do the meat supreme every day."

"I will have you know that I'm a big fan of meat, and you should be very happy about that fact." Boone smirks, proud of his innuendo, and hands a beer off to Alex, then another to Ryan.

"Oh my god, why do I date you?" Ryan elbows him when he sits down. "Fine, we'll do the supreme. Pepperoni and sausage and a bunch of veg. Sound good, Wenny?"

"I'm not nearly as picky as you two, I just like pizza." Alex sits in the armchair adjacent to the couch where they've settled. He doesn't add much to the conversation, just listens to them bickering and chirping each other. This is exactly the kind of relationship he'd love to have; they're well beyond the honeymoon phase and have moved onto something deeper, something comfortable. 

Comfortable would be nice.

They argue over what to watch on Netflix and Ryan gives Boone a hard time for skipping ahead two episodes on _Ozark_. After an hour of scrolling titles, Alex grabs the remote and puts on _The Office_. Neither Ryan nor Boone complain about his choice. They spend less time watching than they spend talking anyway, about anything at all. Alex tells them about how badly Will fucked up putting together an IKEA desk, Ryan counters with a story about his brother forgetting to replace a bolt while fixing his car, resulting in him needing a tow at three in the morning on a back road on the outskirts of Saskatoon.

Eventually Ryan gets out his guitar and settles on the floor in front of the couch, plucking idly at the strings as he tunes it. Alex joins in, sitting cross-legged across from him. Ryan mostly knows country songs, and Alex knows a few, but his forte is acoustic, folky music. There are a few tunes that they both know the chords for, so they strum away, Ryan humming and Alex singing quietly. Alex plays guitar on his own a few times a week, but it always feels different when there's someone else in the room, playing a lower melody from his, trying to strike the balance and harmonize the sound. 

Boone is sprawled out lengthwise on the couch, one arm behind his head and his free hand outstretched, tangling in Ryan's hair, sticking it up and then smoothing it down. He has his eyes closed and there's the barest smile on his face while he listens to Ryan play. Alex gets the distinct impression that this is something they do often. He feels like he's intruding. 

He sets his guitar aside and makes like he's going to move, but Boone stops him. "Keep playing, Wenny. You two sound good together."

Boone never even opened his eyes, so Alex isn't sure how he knew, but he listens to him anyway. He settles his guitar back into his lap and listens for the notes that Ryan is playing, trying to capture the same but higher on the scale; Ryan smiles when the song smoothes out, synchronizes. Boone was right. They do sound good together.

____

After that night it becomes routine. On off nights, Alex goes to their apartment to watch TV and play music. Sometimes they order in, others they try to make something together. Alex quickly realizes that he's better in the kitchen than Boone and Ryan combined and he takes over most of the cooking. They add Sunday mornings as well--if they have practice it shifts to the afternoon--and in a few months Alex has his own coffee mug on the shelf. 

They've moved beyond idle strumming and have started working on actual music. Ryan can only play guitar, but Alex knows his way around a piano as well, so he buys a small keyboard to keep at their place. Ryan has a notepad with a few lyrics scribbled down, just as many scratched out with black ink. He insists they're not good, not enough to share with anyone else. Boone protests every time, and Ryan shuts him down just as quickly, often with a blush high on his cheeks.

Alex still misses Will, of course. They try to Facetime each other at least once a week, chattering in rapid Swedish, Will about his new teammates, the new city he's trying to get used to. Alex talks about the team and the construction on his street that's driving him crazy, but he mostly talks about Ryan and Boone, about finally convincing Ryan to listen to Bon Iver and how Boone accidentally wore Alex's hoodie to practice one morning. Ryan has been studying with Rosetta Stone and his Swedish is improving, so sometimes he joins in on the Facetime calls with Will.

The season ends and Alex packs up his stuff and heads off to Sweden, with promises to keep in touch with Ryan and Boone while he's away. They hug him goodbye, and as much as he can't wait to be at home with his family and friends and Will, he realizes how much he's going to miss this too, this new normal he's found in Columbus.

Will doesn't make it to Sweden until much later, with Vegas making an unexpected run to the Cup Final before coming up a little short. He's a wholly different player than he was a year ago, a star in his own right having scored more than 40 goals. Alex is nothing but happy for him, thrilled to see him succeed. 

The first week they're together is spent on the rooftop of Alex's building, eating all the Swedish food they can't get in the States, meal plans be damned. By the beginning of July they're back in the gym together, and then a week later Emily comes. Will met Emily in Las Vegas; she's blonde and pretty and she doesn't seem to mind that Alex tags along with them while Will shows her around Stockholm. Will is happier than he can remember seeing him, and Alex decides that he likes her.

It's not that he doesn't want to keep in touch with Ryan and Boone, but he figures they likely want to be alone after he monopolized so much of their time during the season, so he keeps his messaging to a minimum, though they're both always quick to respond. He's been practicing some country songs that he knows Ryan loves, though, learning the chords and the lyrics. Stockholm is and always will be home, but there's part of him that misses Columbus too.

"You could just call them," Will says late one night, sitting out on his balcony with Emily's head in his lap, after Alex brought Ryan up unprovoked. 

"Nah, I don't need to do that. I just was saying, Ryan is better with this song, I think it's because he's more into country than me." Alex plays it off, changing to something by The 1975, something Ryan would never listen to.

"You talk about them all the time, it's cool if you miss them. We should check and see how bad Murr's Swedish has gotten since you left." Will finishes his beer and grabs another, and Alex is pretty sure Will isn't implying anything, but he still feels off-kilter. 

"They're probably busy. We'll Facetime them later." Alex distracts by asking Emily about her sister and she fills the awkward silence. 

They don't call Ryan that night, and Will doesn't mention it again.

____

By mid-August Alex has his flight back to Columbus booked and he's spending as much time as he can with not only Will, but also his family and friends all over Stockholm. He won't be back here until at least April or hopefully later, so he wants to soak it all up.

If his mind is in Columbus just a little bit, well, it's to be expected. He still needs to sign a lease on an apartment for the season and he's been researching different buildings; they're still doing construction on the road near his place from last year so he doesn't want to stay there. Unable to make a decision he finally cues up Facetime and a moment later Ryan answers, eyes sleepy and jaw at least a week past due for a shave. 

"Alex! We thought you forgot about us." His voice is rough and Alex glances at the clock. Shit, it's barely nine AM if they're in Ontario and not even seven if they're in Ryan's hometown in Saskatchewan.

"Ah, it's early there. I forgot time zones for a minute," Alex says by way of apology.

"Worth getting up for," Boone assures as he comes into frame, rubbing his cheek against Ryan's bare shoulder as he yawns. "How's Stockholm? Having a good time with Wild Bill?"

Something a whole lot like homesickness washes over Alex and he ignores it. He _is_ home, that doesn't make any sense. "It's been good, maybe next summer you two can come out for a while. Midsommar is excellent here."

Boone's smile is soft and lazy. "Well if you'd asked us this year we'd have come over. Thought you were sick of us."

"No!" Alex exclaims, too eager. "No, it's not like that at all. I just figure you guys wanted some time actually alone. You barely got rid of me last season."

"Who said we wanted to?" Ryan's question is simple and straight-forward and Alex has no idea how to respond, so he just breezes past it.

"Well then, next summer you can come out here and I'll show you Stockholm." He thinks for just a moment about walking them through the narrow streets of Gamla Stan, spending a week in a cottage in Sandhamn, about bright early mornings over coffee and playing guitar late into the nights that never quite get dark. He files all of that away for later. "But for now, I was checking to see if you were going to stay at the same place as last year? They're still working on that road near my place, so I think I might switch."

Boone has curled himself around Ryan, sharing the same pillow now. Only Boone is wearing a shirt, and Ryan has an arm around his shoulders, fingertips tracing over the hem of his sleeve. Alex feels like he's intruding, like this is too intimate, too close, even though there's an ocean between them. "We've been at the same place for three seasons, why change it up now? The landlord's pretty good and the location is great. You can probably get a place near us."

"Okay, yeah. Maybe I'll do that."

"They have three-bedrooms there too, you know? Top floor. We could ask about one of those," Ryan suggests. "If you wanted to just live with us instead."

Alex does want that actually, but he doesn't want to seem too eager. "You guys don't want me around all the time, I'd be in the way."

"Nonsense. We'll call Caitlin up, she'll let us know if they've got one of those available." Boone waves him off, like it's not an imposition for him to move in with an already established couple. "She likes us, so she'll pull some strings." 

"She likes _Boone_ ," Ryan quickly corrects. "She's got the hots for him, so if he asks for anything, she makes sure he gets it. It works out pretty well for me, though."

"Oh, okay. I mean yeah, sure, if you don't mind me staying with you. That would be good. Great actually." Alex knows he's smiling, knows that it's too much. "I'm gonna let you guys go, it's early there. Go back to bed."

"We'll let you know about the place as soon as we find out," Boone says, already yawning again. "Talk to you soon. Bring us something good from Sweden."

Alex just barely stops himself from asking if _he_ is good enough.

____

Apparently Boone manages to work his magic and gets Caitlin to help them out, because less than a week later Alex has signed a lease and will be moving in with Ryan and Boone when he gets back to Columbus. They talk nearly every day through the end of the month, figuring out what furniture they already have and what they'd need to buy. They decide to ditch the couch and that they had in their living room before in lieu of a large sectional. Alex isn't convinced it'll fit in the front door, but Ryan insists that it's a problem for the movers to worry about.

Will's girlfriend is back in Vegas already so they spend most of their last few days together, mornings and afternoons at the gym and evenings on the balcony of one of their apartments. Days are shorter now, the sun setting before eight by the end of August, rather than the early summer when there's still a tinge of light in the sky in the middle of the night. 

"Do you think it's a good idea?" Will asks him, out of the blue, the night before he's scheduled to leave for Las Vegas.

"What is?"

"Moving in with Ryan and Boone? You seem...attached."

"They're just friends," Alex responds, defenses up. "I lived with you too, it wasn't a big deal."

Will has a bottle of beer halfway to his mouth and his snort echoes into it. "Yeah, and you never had a crush on me either. Different story."

"I don't have a crush on either of them."

"Right," Will agrees. "You've got a crush on _both_ of them."

Alex rolls his eyes and waves off Will's concerns. "I just enjoy hanging out with them. And Ryan is really good on guitar. Unlike you, Wonderwall."

"First of all, I play Wonderwall _perfectly_ , and stop trying to change the subject. You wear everything on your sleeve, they're going to see it all over your face. And then it'll be awkward. Are you going to be okay?" There's genuine worry behind the question, and Will is searching his face earnestly. 

"It's really not a crush, I just like being with them. They need the help with cooking too. And living alone sucks anyway." He has a million arguments; he's been justifying this decision to himself all along.

"Just be careful, okay? They've been together a long time, I don't think that's going to change."

"I appreciate the worry, but I'll be fine. I promise."

Alex is at least halfway convinced that it's the truth.

____

Ryan picks him up at the airport when he arrives in Columbus and he extends a cup from Tim Hortons when he gets into the car. Alex takes a drink and is pleased. It's black with one sugar, exactly how he likes it. He's not sure how Ryan remembered.

"We've got all of our stuff set up in the apartment already, we just need to get yours from storage. Boone has his way-too-big truck, so we can take that to pick everything up. I figure you'll wanna rest a bit first, that's a hell of a flight." Ryan is cycling through songs as he speaks, and Alex isn't sure how he's heard anything long enough to decide whether he wants to listen to it. "Or we can go grab your stuff while you sleep, if you wanted."

"No, no, I couldn't let you do that. I'll just take a nap and we'll go later. There isn't too much stuff, I mostly need my bed more than anything. Everything else is small enough that I can go get it myself tomorrow." Alex takes another drink and hides a yawn behind his hand. It _is_ a pretty brutal trip from Stockholm, with two layovers and one of his flights pushing nine hours in the air. It's only mid-afternoon in Columbus but he's been awake since four in the morning Stockholm time, so he's fading fast. He'll need to go get his car from storage before he can get the rest of stuff but right now all he wants is sleep.

When he arrives at the apartment, Boone pulls him into a fierce hug. That isn't terribly unusual, Boone is a pretty affectionate guy anyway, but it still makes Alex a bit anxious, with Ryan standing _right there_. Especially because it makes Alex feel something warm that he's not ready to put a name on. 

"God, let the guy rest before you go tackling him," Ryan chides.

"Well it's nice to know I was missed." Alex nods toward the hallway. "Bedroom down this way?"

"Yeah, we're at the end of the hall. We figured you can pick which of the others you want. One has a bathroom attached, but the other is bigger. You can decide on that later." Ryan takes Alex's bag from him and heads down to the master bedroom, dropping it inside the door. "Boone didn't make the bed but I swear the sheets are mostly clean, we only put them on a couple of days ago."

Alex is so tired that he would sleep on the floor right now, so he's not too bothered. "Just give me an hour and then we can go get my stuff."

It's most certainly more than an hour later when Alex finally wakes up. He's sprawled face-down on a pillow that smells like a shampoo he doesn't use, in sheets that definitely aren't his, on a mattress much firmer than his own. He blinks his eyes open and even though it was light when he fell asleep, the sun is definitely not up any longer.

He's achy from the flight and his internal clock is thrown from jet lag, but when he finds his phone the battery has worn down and there are several messages waiting for him--William, his parents, Seth asking if he's back in town yet--and the screen tells him that it's now nearly ten at night.

He pads from the bedroom and down the hall and it's not until he's nearly into the main living area that he hears the TV turned low, presumably out of respect for his need to rest. The couch they decided on has a mattress inside and Boone and Ryan have it pulled out and made up, and they're stretched out on it now, sitting up against the cushions with their legs tangled at the ankles.

"Sleeping Beauty," Ryan says when he notices Alex standing at the edge of the room. "We tried once to wake you but you mumbled something in Swedish and rolled over, so we figured it was best to let you sleep. We can go get your stuff in the morning."

"We ordered from Due Amici, there's lobster ravioli in the fridge for you if you're hungry." Boone is idly tracing his fingers along Ryan's knee as he talks, and Alex is pretty sure he doesn't even realize he's doing it. 

There's some part of Alex that contemplates crawling up onto the mattress between them and cuddling in, but he shakes that away with a nod of his head. If he starts thinking like that already, this season is going to be unbearable. He stretches his arms up over his head and yawns, feeling very much like he could go back to sleep. His stomach rumbles, though, and he realizes he hasn't eaten since the "flatbread pizza" they offered on the plane as a snack before landing. And that had been hours ago.

"Thanks, yeah, I'm starving." Alex moves to get his food from the fridge, and while he's in there he notices that there's already a jug of cranberry juice (his favorite) and a carton of cashew milk (he thinks almond milk is disgusting) along with Boone's orange juice and Ryan's organic whole milk. "Oh, you guys already shopped?"

"Just a few essentials," Ryan answers, his fingers twined with Boone's now. "But if there's more stuff you need, let us know and we'll make sure it goes on the list."

Alex watches his meal rotate in the microwave and wonders if it's the time change that has this feeling surreal. "You guys don't have to shop for me, I can grab stuff on my own."

"You're living with us, why should you have to go shopping if we're already doing it?" Boone is matter-of-fact, dismissive. "We know most of the stuff you like anyway, you're easy to shop for." 

When his food is warmed through, he hesitates at the breakfast bar between the kitchen and living space, and in the end he instead settles on the other side of the sectional, kicking his feet up to rest on the mattress next to them. He's not touching them, but there's something about resting even some small part of himself on the same bed that feels daring.

He's got his eyes on the TV but he's not really watching it, some old episode of _Family Guy_ that he's not sure is even funny or not. Alex feels like he's trying to decipher some code, trying to figure out what it means that they know his favorite meal from Due Amici, that they know what kind of milk he buys, what his go-to juice is in the mornings. But he's tired, so tired, his brain still on Stockholm time even if he's 5000 miles away from there now, and it's all a fog. He'll figure it out later.

Before it even hits midnight, Alex can feel his eyelids drooping and he's been hiding yawns behind his hand for half an hour and apparently Boone has noticed. He stretches his leg and nudges his toe over the arch of Alex's foot. "Bud, go to bed, you look like you're dying."

"I don't wanna kick you guys out if you're still watching something." Alex motions at the sofa bed where they're now lying even closer together, Boone's arm around Ryan, Ryan's head on his shoulder. "I can stay up until you guys go to bed."

"What? Oh no, Wenny, take the bed. You're the one who flew halfway around the world today. We'll crash out here." Ryan waves his hand toward the hall. "Go sleep, we're fine out here."

Alex starts to argue, but like he's putting an end to the discussion, Ryan turns onto his side and curls his arm around Boone's waist. "Good night, Alex."

"Got it, got it. Night guys."

The next day is a flurry of activity. They pile into Boone's truck and go pick up Alex's car and then pull all of his belongings from the storage unit where they spent the summer. Ryan goes to pick up lunch while Boone helps Alex assemble his bed, and then the three of them work together to finish setting up his bedroom. They make surprisingly quick work of the process, a much smoother operation than when Alex and Will last moved into a place.

"Not a bad team, eh?" Ryan asks that evening while the three of them stand in the kitchen, eating pizza straight from the box, not even bothering with plates. 

"We work well together," Boone agrees, holding up his beer bottle and tipping it toward them like it's a toast. "It'll be a good year."

"A really good year," Alex echoes, finishing his beer in one go. This has either been an excellent idea or a terrible one and he's not sure which it is just yet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a quick reminder, going forward, this story is set in the 2018-19 NHL season.

For as complicated as Alex's life is off the ice, his life on it goes much worse. Early in the season it's looking to be the worst of his career; he can't seem to score a goal to save his life and everything that can go wrong is doing so. Torts isn't one to mince words, and he makes sure Alex knows that he's in the doghouse. Alex keeps working but it's exhausting trying to make things happen when the hockey gods seem determined to make sure he fails.

He tries not to let it show at home, but both Ryan and Boone seem to be aware of it nonetheless. They carefully keep hockey talk to a minimum, even though Ryan is having the best start he's ever had. Alex sometimes mentions it, tries to hype him up, but Ryan shrugs it off every single time. "All luck out there, yeah? Sometimes it bounces the right way, sometimes it doesn't. Just lucky right now." 

The three of them have settled comfortably into their new living situation. Boone and Alex are both grumpy in the morning and Ryan makes sure to already have coffee brewed before they're out of bed. At night, Boone is usually the first one to start dozing on the couch, while Ryan and Alex will stay up trading song recommendations back and forth, playing them for each other on Spotify. When they realize that Alex absolutely hates doing laundry, Ryan and Boone start adding his stuff to the washer with their own loads of whites and colors. Alex does most of the cooking, Boone does most of the cleaning, and Ryan keeps tabs on who owes what for bills and groceries. It really is an ideal living situation; the three of them get along well and things run smoothly.

They'd be even better if Alex could get rid of the stupid feeling of longing everytime he catches Boone sneaking a kiss to Ryan's cheek over coffee in the morning, or when Ryan drapes himself over Boone's lap on the couch while they catch up on whatever show they're binging. In every other way they share space equally, but at least for Alex, the easy affection they show to each other feels glaring. It's a comfort zone that only comes with years of familiarity, and Alex aches for it.

Their teammates, however, don't seem to be aware of the conflict that Alex is dealing with. For years when planning a night out, it was a given that if Ryan was going somewhere, Boone would obviously join him, they were always a package deal: Ryan & Boone. Only now when those invitations are offered, they ask Alex and just assume that the two of them will come along. For their teammates, apparently they've become Ryan & Boone _& Alex_. It makes Alex feel anxious, antsy, but at the same time it warms him through; he likes the idea of being one part of a singular entity.

A week before Christmas the Golden Knights are in town and Alex leaves them at home and goes for dinner with Will. Alex tells stories about guys on the team that Will knows, and Will spends much of the meal talking about Emily, about the dog they've adopted from a rescue in Korea. He's animated as he talks, smile wide and open, happiness written all over his face. He's made a home in Vegas, carved out a space for himself, and Alex is happy for him.

"Dude, you've gotta get yourself a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Something," Will says somewhat abruptly, after their plates have been cleared and they're each nursing one last glass of wine. "You're pining after these guys and they're practically married."

"I'm not pining!" Alex knows he's being defensive. He also knows he's mentioned both Boone and Ryan's names far too many times in the last couple of hours. He can't help it; they live together, of course he's going to mention them a lot.

"You're absolutely pining, and I get it. They're great guys. You know I love both of them. But they're already together, yeah? So unless they're gonna invite you to join in, I'm pretty sure you're going to have to move on."

He's right, of course. Even if he hasn't thought of it in such frank terms, Alex has had this same conversation with himself countless times. "Yeah, you're right. They've been attached forever, I don't know what I was thinking." Alex sighs, defeated, and finishes the last of the wine in his glass. "It's just...sometimes…"

He trails off, because he can't really explain what keeps giving him second thoughts. He can't explain it to Will, because it sounds mad if he says it all out loud. It's in the way Boone always makes sure to get Alex's favorite brand of coffee. It's the look that Ryan gives him when Alex is singing along to a song on the radio and Ryan is listening. There's electricity when Boone lays a hand on his back to get around him when they're both in the kitchen. There are all these tiny moments that would mean nothing at all on their own, but when they're added up it keeps Alex thinking that - _maybe_.

"No, no you're right," Alex says instead. Will wouldn't understand.

____

Alex tries to move on, he really does. He goes on a couple of dates, he flirts with women in bars, he tries to convince himself that he's just lonely. He always finds himself sitting across from a girl whose name he can only sort of remember, making small talk that feels like sandpaper in his mouth, and all he ever wants to do is go home. He's on date number two with Kelsey, who has not stopped talking about her dissertation for the last twenty minutes. She's a pretty brunette who is definitely much smarter than Alex, and she doesn't seem to know or care that he's a hockey player, which is normally ideal. But there's no chemistry at all.

When the night is finally over, he kisses her on the cheek and she says she'll message him later. He's pretty sure she won't, and he's more than okay with being ghosted. 

"How'd it go?" Ryan asks when he walks into the apartment, and he's smiling, but there's something in the tone of his voice that makes Alex's cheeks warm. Why does he feel like he's cheating?

"Are you gonna be bringing her home to meet us?" Boone follows up, not moving from where he's laying, head on Ryan's lap. 

"I don't think I'll be seeing her again." Alex toes his shoes off and flops down on the sectional next to where Ryan and Boone are cuddling. "I think I'm just going to take a break from the dating thing. It's exhausting."

Boone nudges a foot into Alex's hip. "Hey, it's cool. Sometimes you have to wait until the right situation comes along. It'll happen."

"Wise words from noted romantic, Boone Jenner." Alex snickers; he reaches over to squeeze at Boone's calf. Boone doesn't move, so Alex leaves his hand there. 

"I'll have you know I was absolutely the romantic one in this relationship," Boone protests. "Ryan would've just brooded in silence for years if I hadn't kissed him first. And then he asked me why I did it, as if it wasn't blatantly fucking obvious."

"Oh fuck you, eh? First off, I don't think 'brooded' is a word. And how was I to know you were interested in me?" Ryan ruffles through Boone's hair furiously, leaving it sticking up all over. 

"Dude, I didn't hide shit. I made coffee for you every morning. I took your car to get it washed. I knew your takeout order for _every_ restaurant. I knew what cologne you wore so I could get it for your birthday." Boone pokes Ryan in the chest accusingly, a grin lighting up his face. "I was the perfect boyfriend before you even knew I was your boyfriend."

Alex is absolutely not thinking about how Boone knows his favorite meals when they order delivery, or how he always folds Alex's laundry, or how he found out about Alex's fancy Norwegian shampoo and ordered it online. If he thinks about those things then he's even more confused and he doesn't need that kind of complication.

"I just thought you were a really great roommate! _Besides_ , I was sitting here every night practically serenading you and you ignored all of that too. I wasn't singing romantic shit for fun, buddy." 

Abruptly, Alex is on his feet, his ears are warm and there's a buzzing sensation working through his veins. "Well I'm gonna let you two bicker this out without me in the way."

"You don't have to leave," Ryan frowns, his hand stilled in Boone's hair. "We're just being dumbasses. Go put on comfy clothes and hang out. We'll stop being so gross and coupley."

"No, no, it's not that." Alex can't put words to what it _is_ exactly. Except that everything they're saying about how they expressed their emotions to each other sounds too familiar. The way they treated each other back then is how they treat Alex _now_. He's not sure if they realize it. "I'm just kind of tired, and anyway, Will's probably gonna be nagging me about my date. You guys don't need me around."

Alex is down the hall and safely behind his closed door when he takes another breath. He lets it out slowly between his teeth, steadying himself. He goes through the motions of changing from his date clothes into pajamas, washes his face and brushes his teeth, all the while silently berating himself for reading too much into things. Ryan and Boone are his friends, of course they do nice things for him. They're also completely in love with each other, so he's insane for daring to imagine that they have ulterior motives behind those good deeds.

He turns off the light and tries to do the meditative stuff he learned from the yoga instructor the Jackets bring in sometimes. Slow breath in, pause, slow breath out. He can hear Boone and Ryan in the other room--no words, really, just the rumble of their voices through the wall--and it soothes him more than he wants it to.

____

It's mid-February when Ryan's season comes to an abrupt halt. He tweaks his back in a game against Tampa and wraps his night early. He goes home with an ice pack strapped to his torso and strict rules about when and how many painkillers he can take. The rest of the Jackets get on a plane for a late flight to Montreal. With Ryan absent, Boone sits with Alex instead, tapping anxiously on the armrest until Alex puts one hand over his. Boone looks over, Alex gives a reassuring smile, and Boone settles down just a little bit.

Alex doesn't move his hand until they're descending into Montreal.

The next night it's Alex's turn. He takes a hard hit along the boards and immediately his shoulder starts to hurt. He finishes the game--it's a struggle but he has adrenaline on his side--but after he's stripped out of his gear and showered, the pain settles in, a deep ache in his right shoulder anytime he lifts his arm. The team doctor checks him out: it's just a tweak, nothing requiring surgery or intense therapy. He just needs to rest and let it heal, so he'll probably be out a week, maybe two. 

So Alex boards the bus with the rest of the team, although they'll be heading to Ottawa for a game in two days while Alex flies home to Columbus to nurse his shoulder. Boone settles next to him and gently nudges his elbow. 

"I swear, between you and Ryan, I'm gonna develop an ulcer from worrying. Don't let him bully you into thinking he's fine, by the way. He's grumpy as fuck when he's hurt, and he's a proud asshole who will insist on doing everything for himself." Boone smirks, but it's clearly fond. "Just make sure he has ice packs and distract him with stupid TV."

"I appreciate the crash course, I'll keep him on track, I swear," Alex says, amused.

"And don't you work yourself too hard either. I'll clean up when I'm home, you two just rest. Ask Ryan to play a song for you if he gets really unbearable, that'll get him out of his head for a while."

Alex frowns, realizing suddenly that he probably won't be able to join. It aches if he puts his arm up too high, so guitar is probably not a great idea. He's contemplating asking the team doc how it would affect his recovery when the bus ambles to a stop at the airport.

"And if he gets _really_ annoying," Boone interjects, grinning cheerfully, "just offer to kiss it better."

Before Alex can close his dropped jaw to respond, Boone is on his way off of the bus.

____

Ryan is already asleep when Alex gets home, but Alex can't resist looking in on him. He's curled up in the middle of the bed, his head on one of Boone's pillows. Alex takes a picture and sends it off to Boone. _All safe for now. I'll check him in the morning._

By the time Alex wakes the next day, Ryan has set up shop on the couch in a sweatshirt with the hood pulled up, a scowl on his face, and a cup of coffee in hand. Alex eyes him curiously as he mixes a mug for himself, and he considers his seating options. The sectional is big enough that he could spread out on the adjacent side and leave Ryan plenty of personal space. 

After hesitating for a long moment, he settles on the couch just next to Ryan, feet up on the coffee table. Ryan glances at him, the frown momentarily replaced by surprise. Alex gives a sympathetic smile and takes a drink of his coffee, then turns his attention to the TV. Ryan's watching some show about fishing, and Alex couldn't possibly be less interested, but at least he can keep him company.

"Morning," Ryan grumps finally, after a few minutes of listening to some middle aged guy drone on about what color feathers work best on lures. "How's the shoulder?"

"Sore. It's worse than last night, but I don't think it'll be more than a couple of weeks." Alex had checked his range of motion this morning like the trainer suggested, and it hurt like hell but it wasn't stiff, and that's a good sign. "How's your back?"

Ryan mutters something with a lot of curse words and crosses his arms over his chest. Alex isn't sure he actually said a real sentence. 

"So not good, then?"

He gets a healthy sidelong glare in response, so he decides to leave the conversation there. They watch the boring fishing show in silence, and as another episode starts up, Alex finally speaks up.

"Play me a song, Murr."

"What?" Ryan is looking at him like he's crazy.

"Come on, my shoulder is aching, I probably shouldn't play. But you can." He nods at Ryan's guitar, propped against the wall right next to where he's sitting. "Besides, you're all grumpy. Guitar makes you happy."

Ryan looks like he's going to argue, opens his mouth and takes a breath, but then he softens. He lets out an exhale through his nose and watches Alex curiously before he picks up his guitar. His hood falls down off his head, leaving his hair stuck up and fuzzy, and he doesn't bother to fix it. He plays a few chords, testing the tune of his strings, his brow furrowed in concentration.

After a few moments he nods once, just slightly, and Alex is pretty sure it wasn't meant for him. Ryan strums a song, something Alex doesn't recognize, something Ryan hasn't played before. It's not slow like some of the songs he chooses, those sad country ballads that Boone gives him shit for; this is a little more upbeat, and Ryan hums along to words that Alex doesn't know. Ryan keeps his eyes down through the whole song, focusing on his fingers moving over the strings and Alex follows along. He tries to memorize the placement but he can't keep track.

"I like that one," he says when Ryan finishes. "What was it?"

"It's an older one. My mom loved it when I was younger." Ryan still has his gaze turned down at his guitar, and there's a flush over his cheeks. "George Strait, that one is called 'Desperately.'"

"When I'm better, maybe I can play it with you. I'll look it up."

Ryan finally glances up, his scowl now replaced with a smile, small and maybe a little shy. "Nah, you don't have to do that. Just another silly country song Boone will make fun of me for."

"Boone likes Justin Bieber. He doesn't get to make fun of anyone." Alex takes a breath and lets it out, not sure why the air feels charged all of a sudden. They've played songs for each other hundreds of times before. Most of the time Boone is in the room with them.

Maybe that's why it's different now. More intimate. 

"I guess playing for a while did make me feel better," Ryan says, running his fingertip along one of the strings, a soft hum emanating from it. "Your idea or Boone's?"

"Boone's. But I thought it was a good one." Alex pushes himself up, going to refill his coffee. "His other suggestion was to kiss it better."

He isn't looking, but Alex hears Ryan sputter behind him. 

____

Boone is gone for a couple more days, so Ryan and Alex wordlessly keep to their own schedule. Ryan is always up first and has coffee made when Alex stumbles out and starts making breakfast. Alex rests for the first two days but after that he has a set of stretching exercises to do to keep his shoulder mobile. The team only expects he'll be out for two weeks, if all goes well; Ryan unfortunately doesn't seem so lucky. He's visited two specialists and has an appointment with a third, but they can't seem to pinpoint the issue. In response, Ryan has been gloomy and quiet, mostly answering any of Alex's questions in one or two words.

He's wondering if Boone had a good idea with the whole 'kiss it better' suggestion. Nothing else he's done has helped.

By the third morning of oppressive silence from Ryan's moping, Alex takes action. He pulls on a nice sweater and works some gel through his hair and storms into Ryan's bedroom. He doesn't knock--the door isn't latched, cracked open a few inches--and Ryan looks up at him, jumping at the sudden intrusion. "What the fuck, Wenny?"

He's sitting up in bed, blankets around his waist and otherwise bare-chested, beard grown in thick. Alex might be gaping at him, just as startled as Ryan himself. It's not that he's never seen Ryan without a shirt on, of course, they share a locker room. Nudity isn't new or surprising. But this kind of nakedness--in Ryan's bedroom, in his _bed_ \--is different, intimate. Alex swallows and forces his eyes to Ryan's face, hoping he wasn't caught gawking. "Shopping," he blurts dumbly. "I've gotta get some shopping done. You should get dressed and come with me." 

Ryan groans and rolls his eyes. "Pass."

"Nope, you're not doing any good laying around here glaring at everything. Come on, Boone keeps sending me concerned texts. If he knows you're getting out he'll feel better." Alex hesitates, then adds: "I'll feel better too. You need some fresh air."

"Do we have to go shopping?" Ryan pushes himself to sit up, grimaces, but he swings his legs out to put his feet on the ground. "Easton is a shitshow."

Alex smiles, a silent victory. "No, we don't have to go shopping. We can grab lunch though. And you have to speak in full sentences the whole time, no more grumbly one-word answers."

Ryan purses his lips, but there's the hint of a grin tugging on them. "You could just let me lay around and stew in it, but nope, gotta come to the rescue. You're just as bad as Boone."

"I'll take that as a compliment, given how you feel about him."

Ryan is gathering a towel in preparation for a shower, and he slowly raises his eyes to meet Alex's. The hint of a grin turns into a full-fledged smile, and there's something soft in his eyes. The door to their bathroom is on the other side of the room, but Ryan comes over to squeeze Alex's arm reassuringly. "Yeah, it's a pretty good thing if you're anything like Boone. Guess I'm pretty lucky to have both of you." 

Alex stares as Ryan walks away, closes the door and starts the water, but he can't make his feet move just yet. None of the words in his head are in English anyway, just a jumble of Swedish. When his brain comes back online, he pulls out his phone to text Will.

_Shit. You were right._

_Will: Usually. What this time?_

_Ryan and Boone. Pretty sure I'm in love with them. Fuck me._

_Will: We tried that once. I couldn't stop giggling and you got pissed._

_I hate you._

_Will: What's the plan?_

Alex knows what he wants the plan to be. He wants to wait for Ryan to come out of the shower and beg him to...what? Invite him into their relationship? Their life? Their bedroom? They're already a couple, and not a casual one. They've met each other's families, discussed a future together. Alex doesn't fit anywhere in all of that.

_Suffer. I can't move, they'll wonder what's wrong. So I'm just gonna ignore it._

_Will: Yep, I'm sure that's gonna go well._

Alex is sure Will is being sarcastic, but he chooses to take it as encouragement instead.


	3. Chapter 3

Ryan is already in bed and Alex is slumped low on the couch, half-watching an old episode of _The Office_ when Boone gets home, a late flight that brings him through the door at nearly one in the morning.

"Oh hey, you're still up," Boone says, and even with his voice barely above a whisper, Alex can hear the smile in it. "Thought you'd have been off to sleep when Ryan went."

"Wasn't tired yet, but I don't know if I've paid attention to this entire episode." He turns the TV off and stretches his arms in front of him, his shoulder protesting the move. 

"How's it feeling?" Boone nods, eyes darting for a moment to Alex's shoulder. His coat is already hung up and he's pulling his tie off and folding it in half, then again, and Alex is distracted by it, watching the fabric slide through Boone's fingers. Maybe he's more tired than he realized.

"Still sore, range of motion's not bad though. I'm supposed to go meet with the doc in the morning. Hoping I'm still on track to only miss a couple of weeks."

Boone slides his suit jacket off and hangs it on one of the stools at the kitchen island, unbuttons the top two buttons of his shirt, then his cuffs, casually undressing while he makes conversation with Alex. "How's Ryan? Still being a moody bastard?"

"He's been a little better since we went to lunch. He's still frustrated about the back thing, no one seems to know what the issue is." Alex stands up and busies himself with fetching a water bottle from the fridge, offering another to Boone.

"It's always something, you know? He can't seem to catch a break. I just wanna fix it for him, but there's not really anything I can do about it." Boone looks sad, thoughtful, staring down at the floor. After a moment in his own mind, he looks up at Alex and his mouth quirks up. "I'm glad you were here with him, though."

Alex waves it off, shrugging the shoulder that's not injured. "He was still pretty miserable, so I'm not sure I helped much. I just tried to make him smile a little bit and sent you a bunch of status updates."

"Don't sell yourself short. You're pretty important around here." A yawn punctuates Boone's words, and he gives Alex a sleepy smile. "Come on, we should both be in bed, it's late as fuck."

It's not an invitation, no matter how much Alex wants it to be.

____

For the next few days, most of his time is spent with Ryan, since the team is on the road for much of the week. Boone checks in daily, with Ryan first, and then with Alex to see how Ryan is _really_ doing. Ryan is too smart to miss it.

"I know what he's doing," he says when Alex answers a text, mere minutes after Boone hung up from a Facetime call with them both. He's still grumpy, of course, but he seems to find this endearing. "He thinks I'm being a tough guy so he's got you spying on me."

"Well you did just tell him you're absolutely fine, meanwhile you've had an ice pack strapped on since you woke up this morning."

Ryan makes a face and leans over, trying to see Alex's phone. "What are you saying to him? Don't make him think I'm a mess, he'll coddle me when he gets back. I'm fine, I can deal with injuries. I've got lots of experience."

"I'm just telling him about the ice pack," Alex angles himself to block the screen from Ryan's eyes. "Oh and also that you're being a miserable fuck and I don't know how he puts up with you."

"What?!" Ryan splutters, nose wrinkling up. "Hey, when he asks _me_ about you, I don't say you're moping even though you have been!"

"I'm not moping, why would I mope?" Alex pauses a beat, the rest of the sentence sinking in. "And wait, Boone asks about me?"

Ryan sits back, arms crossed over his chest, a smug look on his face. "Hey, if you can have secret conversations with Boone, so can I."

"That's not fair, I wanna know what you're saying. And I'm not moping!"

"Right, uh huh. You haven't been mopey ever since Will went to Vegas. Sure." Ryan rolls his eyes dramatically.

Alex isn't sure if he's relieved or devastated that they think he's hung up on Will. "You guys are _idiots._ "

And in that quick moment that he lets his guard down, it's just enough time for Ryan to lunge for his phone, snatching it from his hand. "Ha, here we go, let's see what you're telling Boone about me." 

"Invasion of privacy!" Alex protests, reaching to snag it back, but Ryan twists away and just as he does he lets out a groan and his smile is replaced with a grimace.

"Fuck, hold up," Ryan grunts out, Alex's phone dropped between them, forgotten. He flexes his shoulders and tries to arch his back, hissing out a breath and stopping short. "Wrenched my back, sorry."

"Oh fuck, Ryan, it's my fault." Alex stares at him wide-eyed, reaching out to brace one hand on his shoulder, then realizes he has no idea how that's supposed to help. He doesn't pull it back, though. "What can I do? What's up?"

"Just need to wait a minute, then I'll stretch it out. It's not your fault, I should know better than to make sudden movements like that." Ryan is staring at the floor between his feet, dragging in slow breaths through his nose and exhaling through his mouth. 

Alex chews on his lip and keeps his hand on Ryan's shoulder, rubbing slow circles there, squeezing gently. Ryan is alternately spreading and clenching his fingers into fists. He tests rolling his shoulders and then his back, and this time he manages it with just a soft gasp and a furrowed brow. He stretches to one side and the other, quiet pained noises escaping every few moments, but he seems satisfied after he goes through the round of exercises. 

"Okay, I'm gonna switch to heat now," Ryan explains, pushing himself up carefully. He has his bottom lip between his teeth, gnawing on it. "But uh, I might need you?" 

"Anything, of course, sure." Alex jumps up and doesn't even think twice before he slides an arm around Ryan's waist, steadying him. 

Ryan lets out a laugh that's more of a sigh, but he fixes Alex with a fond glance. "I can walk by myself, that's not the help I meant." When Alex moves to pull away, Ryan shakes his head. "But it won't hurt."

They walk together like that to Ryan and Boone's room and Ryan sits on the bed. "So the help part, uh. I have this CBD cream, it helps when I have a spasm like that. But I can't really put it on by myself. Boone usually does it for me."

"I can do it, no problem!" Alex offers instantly. "Where is it?"

"Bathroom counter, the tub is kind of a beige color, brown lid." 

Alex goes to search for it and by the time he comes back, Ryan has his shirt off, and oh. Right. It's a cream that needs to be applied to his skin. So of course he'd be shirtless for this. Alex hopes he doesn't look as stupid as he feels right now, so he snaps his mouth shut and hopes that Ryan didn't notice. 

"You don't need a lot, a little of this stuff goes a long way," Ryan explains, shifting to stretch out on the bed on his stomach, an arm curled around one of the pillows. "It's good if you warm it on your hands first."

Alex takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly before he crawls onto the bed, kneeling next to Ryan's hip, just taking it in. The only light in the room is filtering in from outside; it's an overcast winter day in Ohio, so it's soft and gray and Alex is trying to remind himself that Ryan is _taken_ , that his boyfriend will be here again in just two days. This is just a friend needing a hand from another friend. 

He warms some of the CBD cream in his palms, rubbing them together, and then after hesitating twice, he lays his hands on Ryan's shoulders. Ryan's got his face turned toward Alex but his eyes are closed, and he smiles at the touch. "It's worst down the middle and lower part of my back, but that stuff helps all over." 

"Got it, uh huh." Alex makes a face at his own voice and hopes that Ryan doesn't hear how dazed he sounds. He massages the upper part of Ryan's back first, tracing the lines of his shoulder blades, thumbs sliding down the indent of his spine. He keeps rubbing lower, testing the pressure, softening when Ryan winces, pressing firmer when Ryan melts beneath his hands. His skin is still cool to the touch from the ice pack he'd been using, but it warms quickly as Alex works. 

Ryan takes a long breath and lets it out just as slowly. "That's way better, Wenny," he says, his voice rough. Alex's traitorous imagination wonders if this is how he sounds when Boone is touching him in this very room. He should stop, but he can't bring himself to do it yet. And if it's helping Ryan, he figures there's no need to rush.

He pauses long enough to warm more of the cream in his hands before focusing on Ryan's lower back, just above his waist. He traces either side of his spine, down to the dimples just above the waist of Ryan's pants, then he splays his fingers wide and rubs all over the expanse of Ryan's back. He isn't likely to get a chance to touch him like this again, so he wants to memorize it all. 

After a few more moments, goosebumps pucker the surface of Ryan's skin and Alex hesitates. "We should probably get that heating pad on you, huh?"

"Mm?" Ryan asks, not really even a word, and it takes a while for him to flutter his eyelids open; when he looks at Alex his expression is foggy, far off. 

"I think you're all set on the CBD cream now, where's the heating pad?" Alex rubs his hands together just to have something to do with them, so he doesn't do something stupid like start petting Ryan's hair. 

"Oh, yeah, right." Ryan pushes up to his elbows and digs a box out of the shelf of his bedside table. He starts unwinding the cord, but Alex takes it from his hands. 

"I've got it, you look pretty relaxed. You're gonna want to rest anyway." He gets the pad plugged in and turned on, then he stretches it out to lay over Ryan's back, smoothing it. "How's this? Good spot for it?"

Ryan is watching him from under heavy lashes, and he nods once. "Yep, all good. You took good care of me, Wenny."

Alex pauses for a moment, contemplative, then he drags the blanket up over Ryan's shoulders, tucking him in before he slips out of the room. He sags against the closed door, battling through the swirl of arousal, frustration and guilt in his head. He feels like he needs to tell Boone about it, to explain himself. He just isn't sure what to confess when he didn't really do anything.

____

He does text Boone in the end, but in lieu of a confession, he keeps it informative: _Ryan wrenched his back. He did some stretches, we got the CBD cream on, he's been sleeping for a while._ Boone responds with a frowny face emoji and suggests a massage. Alex says that he tried it, but punctuates it with a joke about his hands not being soft enough for that, and Boone tells him he's an ass. Ryan seems to feel better when he wakes up, so the discussion doesn't go anywhere else.

Another visit to another specialist is on Ryan's schedule a couple days later, and on the same morning Alex goes to check in with one of the team's physical therapists. He gets home first so he starts a fresh pot of coffee while he waits. Ryan slams the door shut behind him when he arrives, tossing his keys on the table. 

Alex doesn't ask, he just lifts an eyebrow and waits for Ryan to explain. He doesn't often show much emotion, so the noisy arrival is out of character.

"How have I been to three different specialists and none of them know what the fuck the problem is? What kind of bullshit specialists are they sending me to?" He braces his hands on the counter across from where Alex is standing and shakes his head, muttering curse words beneath his breath. "They've all ruled out surgery, at least, so I guess that's a good thing. Though no one seems to have any other plans either."

"So this one didn't suggest anything?" Alex is treading lightly, he wants to know what happened but he's not entirely sure Ryan wants to talk about it.

"Apparently there's some occupational therapist I'm seeing next. If it's not fixable with surgery, they think maybe I can just work to strengthen the muscles, or 'optimize their performance' or some crap like that." He rolls his neck and then his eyes. "It sounds like bullshit to me, but what do I know? It's worth a shot."

"It's good you won't have to recover from surgery, I guess, if they can figure it out." Alex lays his hand on Ryan's shoulder, lets it drift down his back. He means it as a supportive gesture, a comforting one, but all he can think of is the feel of Ryan's skin.

Ryan sighs, defeated. "I know that's the best outcome, not going under the knife. Just the uncertainty sucks, you know?" He leans into Alex's touch, turning toward him until their shoulders are touching, sharing the same space. Alex keeps petting his back, slow circles, wider and then smaller; Alex isn't sure if he's relieved or disappointed when Ryan pulls away. "I'm gonna go get a nap in, let Boone know when he gets home?" 

Alex nods and pats Ryan's shoulder, an appropriately masculine, platonic gesture to break the tension. "Sure, yeah. Let me know if you need anything."

The anger Ryan walked in with seems to have bled out; he just looks sad as he heads down the hall and closes the bedroom door behind him. Alex finishes his cup of coffee and has another going cold in front of him when Boone gets in. Boone hangs his jacket and steps out of his shoes and comes over to sit by Alex on the couch, reaching over to ruffle his hair. "Hey, how's the shoulder feeling?"

Alex fights the urge to lean into the touch, but he lets his eyes drift shut anyway. "Better. Still hurts a little when I put my arm up over my head, but it's better than it was. They want to check tomorrow, but I should be good for the next game."

Boone's hand lingers, nails scraping through the short hair above the nape of Alex's neck. "What about Ryan? I saw his car in the garage, where is he?"

"Napping, he was pretty down after the visit with the specialist today. He's struggling with it." Alex turns to face Boone, mostly because he really needs Boone to stop touching him, even if deep down, he wants Boone to touch him everywhere. "They don't seem to really know what's wrong."

"He did say it felt a little better after you put the CBD cream on the other night, so there's that at least. I know a few massage techniques that help sometimes too." Boone pauses, his eyes lighting up. "Oh shit, I can show you those, that way if I'm not here you can take care of him."

Alex sucks in a breath so quickly that he chokes, coughing for a moment before laughing it off, waving off Boone's concern. "Swallowed the wrong way. But uh, I don't know. I'm not sure I'd be any good at that."

"Oh, these aren't any professional techniques or anything, just a few things we picked up from his PT appointments. You'll pick it up easy. I'm gonna change outta my travel clothes, you go lay down. I'll meet you in your room in a couple." 

He doesn't give Alex a chance to argue. 

_Deep breaths_ , Alex tells himself. _Just take deep breaths. This is just about helping Ryan._ He turns the overhead light on, then tugs the cord for the ceiling fan even though it's already cool in his room; after a moment's hesitation he turns on his bedside lamp as well. Nice and bright, a little chilled. There's nothing seductive about the room, the mood hasn't been set at all. This is just an informative demonstration.

"So you can do some of this stuff when he's sitting up if it's necessary," Boone says as he comes into the room, dressed down to a pair of joggers and an old, worn Jackets t-shirt. "But it works way better if he's laying down. Just stretch out on your stomach, I'll show you."

Alex nods once and shifts to lay down on the bed, all too happy to faceplant into the pillows to hide his expression. The bed dips when Boone kneels next to him. This is fine. Alex is fine. Boone rests one hand at the middle of Alex's back and Alex tries very hard not to flinch.

"Okay so the last PT Ryan saw mentioned it's a big deal to keep contact. So even if you're gonna move one hand you should keep the other one down. Something about nerve endings and shock, I don't remember the details." Both of his hands slide up Alex's back to his shoulders and Alex clenches his jaw, reminding himself that Ryan is just across the hall. "So with Ryan you don't need to do too much with his shoulders, the worst is his mid- and lower-back. But he gets all anxious and tense so he likes his shoulders worked too."

Boone moves his fingers halfway down Alex's back and presses the heels of both hands to either side of his spine, working away from the middle and down toward his waist, over and over. Alex is gnawing on the inside of his lip and doing everything he can to keep his breathing steady. Boone keeps up the same motion until he's reached the base of Alex's spine and then he slides his hands to his shoulders again, Alex's shirt getting bunched under the friction.

"This is way easier without a shirt in the way. Mind if I just...?" Boone trails off and pushes Alex's shirt up and now he's touching bare skin, calloused fingers mapping their way over his back. "Yeah, there we go, way better."

His voice is husky, maybe a little hoarse, but that could just be because Alex's heartbeat is pounding in his skull; he can barely hear his own thoughts, let alone whatever Boone is saying. Alex's entire body is on high alert as Boone demonstrates the massage technique again, his hands hot despite the chill in the room. This time he's spanning Alex's waist with his palms, thumbs digging into the flesh on either side of his spine, working slow circles all the way up his back.

"Man, you're just as tense as Ryan. Am I gonna have to start giving you massages too?" Boone kneads the muscles of Alex's shoulders and neck. It's meant to relax him, but it's having the exact opposite effect. 

Alex is gripping onto his self-control with the slimmest of threads, and the grasp is slipping with each stroke of Boone's hand on his skin. _This doesn't mean anything. This doesn't mean anything. This doesn't mean anything_. He keeps the mantra running cycles in his head, in both English and Swedish. 

"Sometimes Ryan really likes this," Boone says, cutting through the panicked repetition. He slides his hands up into Alex's hair, working his fingertips over his scalp, nails scratching lightly here and there. A chill snakes it's way down Alex's body but it's got nothing to do with the temperature in the room; he's pretty sure he could melt an ice bath right now. "This isn't about his back, though. This just relaxes him."

"Yeah, definitely. Totally, it's good," Alex blurts out, his accent coming through heavily. He shifts away from Boone, whose hands are still hovering in midair. He turns on his side to say more, but he goes silent when he realizes Ryan is standing in the doorway, watching them.

Not them, necessarily. _Him._ Alex.

His gaze is focused, he has one brow ever-so-slightly lifted, and he's...smiling? Alex isn't positive what the expression on his face is, but his eyes aren't moving from Alex's. He would have expected to feel guilty, caught like this with Boone's hands on him while Ryan watches, but instead it's just _want_ that's washing over him.

"I was showing Wenny the massage stuff I do for you," Boone explains, and if he's concerned at all that Ryan is suspicious, he's hiding it well. His smile is broad and innocent, as if Ryan had walked in on them taping their sticks before a game. "So he can help you out if I'm not around."

Ryan still hasn't looked away from Alex. It's a little unnerving. "He's got pretty good hands, eh Wenny?"

"Yeah, they're good," Alex confirms, trying to wade through everything that's going unspoken. "I don't know if I'll be as good at it as he is."

Finally, a grin splits Ryan's expression open, but the tension in the room is slow to dissipate. "I'm pretty sure you'll handle it just fine."


End file.
